As I went through my life, I began to have trouble with my kids and I despaired of being able to help them. I Knew I was part of the problem, but didn't know how to change myself. I despaired of ever being different, of being able to live up to what I knew the Bible said we should be. I didn't realize I was trying to live for God in my own strength, but I knew I couldn't be that person and I begged God to kill me. I thought if I wasn't able to be a CHRISTIAN and live for God, I may as well be dead and let some other person who COULD be all those things take my place and be a good wife to my hubby and mother to my kids. As I sobbed out my revulsion at the sins I could not leave go of to the Lord, I felt that He was reminding me "for ALL have sinned and come short of the glory of God" I told the Lord that I couldn't keep trying to live for Him, it wasn't working, I was still doing the things I knew I shouldn't be doing and Not doing what I knew I should be doing. That is when He showed me the verse in ISAIAH which says, all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags to God. Not just dirty rags you have wiped up the floor with, but filthy rags, full of the most disgusting stuff you can imagine. Something you only pick up with your thumb and first finger, or a shovel.
Everything I tried to do to please him was Disgusting to God? then how could I please Him? How could I get rid of the weight of the sin in my life, the awful guilt of not loving Him or anyone else but myself? I had said the "Sinner's Prayer" and thought I was saved, and STILL I felt guilty and ashamed all the time, knowing I didn't do any of the things I knew I should do unless I forced myself and then it wasn't with joy in the Lord, but with a sense of "having to do it", Requirement and duty rather than Love for God. I knew what the Bible had to say about salvation and Repenting and trusting Him, but it never had gotten into my heart, cause the reality of my sin nature hadn't hit me.
AT that time, I knew God wasn't going to kill me and relieve me of this pressure, or of the burdens of not being the mother my kids needed or the wife my hubby needed. I wasn't getting off that easy. I begged God to tell me how to do "it"; to be what the Bible said a woman should be. How to be gracious, how to be loving, how to be sweet when I was so full of hurt and anger and my own selfish desires. MY sinful selfish nature weighed my heart down.
THEN God seemed to speak into the vacume in my heart. THEN, when I wanted to be obedient with all my heart, when I wanted to LOVE him more than I wanted to serve myself, THEN he showed me that HE had covered all that. HE had died for my sins, not just the sins I had done as a child, not just for the sins I had done since, but all the sins I ever WOULD do, if I would only accept His gift and let His blood cover them. HIS blood would be my righteousness and cover my sin before the Lord God of Israel, His Love would love others through me, His crucifixion would put my selfish flesh down when it wanted it's own way. He said in Matthew that he is "I AM" He said when the world was created, "I AM", when Abraham feared to admit Sarah was his wife, "I AM", when Kitty wanted to do her own thing rather than helping her kids or cleaning her house, "I AM" and when Kitty dies some day, he will still be "I AM". He was Big enough to cover all my sins for he was big enough to cover all time and not only was he Big enough, he was WILLING if I was.
Now I am still not perfect, but I am forgiven, I still have selfish desires, but am learning to put them down because I love the only friend I ever had willing to die for me. I still would rather read than get up and give my granddaughters my time a lot of the time, but I am remembering that God wants me to do it to show His love toward THEM. Then I do what my flesh doesn't want to do, not because I am a better person, though some people try to tell me I am, but because I know that God gave up the Glory of heaven to die for me and I can give up a stupid story which will never do anyone any good, so that My grandkids can learn that Grandma loves them and helps them, because God loved Grandma as much as He loves them.
And I am writing this, not so you will know me, but because I want you to Know HIM the same way I do.
I want to make this clear, a person who has accepted the depravity of their own nature in comparison to a Holy God, and accepted the Gift that God gives them of His life for theirs, is called Saved. He or she is NOT perfect and doesn't claim to be, only forgiven. They still have the same urges and desires as they ever did, but they choose to act according to the will of the God who saved them rather than according to their own depraved nature. They consider they have been bought, as a slave is bought, from the devil who is the master of this world by Adam's act, by the God who created them and deserves their loyalty and love and who further saved them from the consequences of their own nature and so deserves even more their love for the love He has shown. AND, before you take offense that I said you have a depraved nature, consider.... we think we are not depraved because we are comparing ourselves with those around us, but compared to the glory of God's perfection, even the best of us are depraved. God doesn't grade on the curve.
And so even though my flesh still desires the things which may have pleased it previously, I choose rather to please the Lord of Heaven as a demonstration of my love for Him.
If my testimony has struck a cord in your heart and you would like to pursue it, please email me with your questions or thoughts at: